


Break Down

by OrionRedde, Shyrstyne



Series: Cometverse [18]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, Original Nonbinary Character - Freeform, its gen FOR NOW, u ever think about how fucked it is we don't see Real Consequences for regaining a heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 21:12:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18599512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrionRedde/pseuds/OrionRedde, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shyrstyne/pseuds/Shyrstyne
Summary: late one night, Lea comes by to return a pan and hang out, but something's wrong... what is he missing?





	Break Down

         “Alright Adira, make sure he actually gets all the way home this time.” You stack cups as you clean them and Adira hauls a very drunk man towards the door.

         “I make no promises I can’t keep.” Adira snorts. “If he throws up on my shoes again I’m tossing him in the gutter where he belongs. Isn’t that right, Zeb?”

         Zeb snorts.

         “Gutter Goblin, tha’s me. And y’r a bi-”

         “Hell yes I am, but if you finish that sentence you’re going to regret it. Only my booty calls get to call me that.”

         “Maybe he wouldn’t get so wasted if you didn’t keep challenging him to drinking contests.” You say drily. Adira grins, sober as a rock and fully aware of what a shit she’s being.

         “Now where’s the fun in that?”

         “Oh my god please leave, you assholes, I actually want to sleep tonight.” You roll your eyes and wave them out as they finally stumble out the door. You lock it behind them. Just as you get started on wiping down the counter there’s a knock.

         “Whomst the fuck?” you grumble to yourself. You reluctantly unlock the door and open it.

         “This a bad time?” Lea drawls at you. “I told Merlin it’s a little late to be returning things, but he insisted.”

         Sure enough, he’s holding your glass pan. You’d brought them a casserole the other day, mostly as an excuse to check up on Lea and Kairi while they’re training, but also because you knew Merlin would forget to feed them as well as himself. The pan is spotless.

         “Nah, it’s cool,” you reassure him. “C’mon in, I was just closing up. Have you eaten? I’ve got some leftovers if you want any.”

         “I’m good, thanks,” Lea tells you, placing the pan onto the counter. “Need any help closing down?”

         “Sure, why not.” If he wants to help, you’re not inclined to stop him. Chores were always a drag, but having help could make them slightly more bearable at least. “So how’s everything going at Merlin’s?”

         He grunts an answer he lifts some chairs to move them. Sounds like things are going about as they could be expected (decent, but even you can tell Lea wants desperately to be better). 

         The two of you chatter as you close up the bar. Lea grabs a rag and wipes down tables and puts up chairs as you stock the bar and clean dishes. Training is going okay. Yes, he feeds them. Pub’s doing great. Kairi’s making great strides in catching up combat-wise. Lea actually cackles when you describe some shenanigans, and you feel a little proud of yourself for that. You get the feeling that he doesn’t laugh much. You quietly resolve to make him laugh more often.

         “So how do you know Merlin?” Lea asks as he places the last chair up on the counter. 

         “So, you know I used to live in this place called Traverse Town,” you begin. “Got dropped there way back when. Merlin was friends with my guardian, Cid. He helped me a bit when I was fuckin’ around with magic for the first time.”

         “Cid?” Lea suddenly asks. “Like, dude who works with Gummi ships Cid? From Radiant Garden?”

         “Yeah, I used to live there,” you confirm absently as you root around in your bar fridge, checking to make sure everything wasn’t out of date. “Got dropped off at Traverse with him and some other kids when it fell.”

         “I used to live there too. In Radiant Garden, I mean.” he mentions.

         “Huh. You know, I  _ think  _ I even remember you,” you muse aloud. “You set the ice cream vendor on fire one time, right?”

         “That was  _ one time!”  _ Lea objects, actually pointing at you. You grin at him. “And it was literally over a decade ago!”

         “C’mon, man, you remember how small Radiant Garden neighborhoods could be,” you tease. “You set the  _ ice cream man  _ on fire! And you ran around with your ‘got it memorized’ shtick. You’re hard to forget.”

         “All according to plan,” Lea snarks. Then he pauses, something like indecision briefly crossing his face. “Did you recognize me...back then?”

         “What, with your clown school cult getup?”

         Lea barks a laugh, actually throwing his head back.

_          “Clown school cult?!”  _ he manages to wheeze.

         “I’m sorry, but your purple teardrop tattoos made you look like a fuckin’ clown.”

         “The  _ disrespect!”  _ he laughs. “Jeez, going straight for the jugular, huh?”

         “I don’t pull any punches,” you confess. “Did your friend - what was his name, I-something? - join you in clown school, too?”

         Lea immediately falls silent. Your stomach drops. You feel like you’ve accidentally stepped on a landmine. Tread carefully, Comet.

         “...yeah,” Lea murmurs eventually, gaze unfocused. “Yeah, he did. He’s still there, too.”

         Oh no oh no oh no oh no. Find a different subject, Comet. Be careful about it.

         The two of you fall silent. You imagine a sad trumpet noise as Lea grabs your broom and starts sweeping. You’re the Master of Awkward. It’s you.

         “So what happened to your kids?”  _ IDIOT!  _ You instantly shriek at yourself when Lea pauses. You  _ already know _ that’s the worst possible thing you could have asked after.

         “Kids?” he asks, voice wavering. He’s staring off into space, brows furrowed.

         “Yeah,” you continue, keeping your voice steady, even as alarm bells shriek in your head. “You used to get ice cream for them all the time. Roxas and…” Huh. “Huh. Another one? That’s weird. I can’t remember.”

         “Huh,” Lea says. His voice is thick and creaking. Something shrieks in your head. “I can’t either.”

         The broom drops with a loud clatter. Lea’s face scrunches, you see tears at the corners of his eyes, before it smooths almost unnaturally. You can  _ hear  _ him keep his breathing calm.

         “Lea?” you ask. “Lea, are you okay?”

         “Yeah, I’m-” Lea presses his hands against his eyes. “I’m okay-” his voice cracks and he turns away. He chokes something down, swaying in place. “I’m-” Lea sobs, leaning against a table. You stand up in alarm. Lea hunches, like there’s a weight around his neck as he sobs again.

 

         Lea digs his nails into the wood of the broom handle, lost in his head. Kids? He only had one kid. Roxas. But now somebody else thinks he had somebody else, but they can’t remember either. Who was it? Who were they? Why can’t he remember?

         He feels his face crumple, hot tears gathering at the corners. With an effort of will he smooths his face down, trying to lock the turmoil away as usual. But he can’t, this time. He forces himself to breathe evenly. In and out, Lea. In and out. Keep calm.

         As if through water, he hears Comet ask him if he’s okay.

         “I’m okay,” he lies, pressing a hand to his face as if to force them back. “I’m-”

         There’s a flash of something,  _ someone _ , and another wave of  _ sheer emotion  _ floods through him and he turns away from Comet. He chokes on the sudden lump in his chest. It spreads up to his throat like a cancer. He can barely breathe through it. He leans against the table because he suddenly can’t hold himself up. He has to hold it together. Hold it together. Hold it together. Hold it-

         There’s the slightest tink of a glass being set down and that’s all it takes. Lea loses the battle and sobs. It tears out of him, leaving wounds in his throat where it gets stuck. The acid spills from his eyes and he hunches, still trying to hide himself.

         Why does-

         Why is-

         Who is-

         What-

_          Why is he so sad? _

         Another wave of  _ grief  _ washes over him and his knees go weak. Lea grips the table in an attempt to stay upright. Can’t be weak. Can’t show weakness. Can’t be vulnerable. Can’t-

         He’s on the floor.

         Lea curls in on himself, over his chest.

         He hurts.

         His heart  _ hurts.  _

_          What is he  _ **_missing?!_ **

         Lea can’t stop a low keen, eyes squeezed shut as his head  _ whirls  _ and  _ twists  _ and  _ savages  _ itself in an attempt to find  _ what the fuck is he missing?! _

         He digs a hand into his hair, as if to dig the memories out. He can’t  _ fucking remember why can’t he fucking remember what is he trying to remember who is he trying to remember remember remember what? What has he forgotten? _

         Like salt in the wound his heart pulses a fresh wave of  _ agony _ that he chokes on. His face feels hot, eyes scrunched and itchy. He’s vaguely aware that one hand is scratching his scalp, his other hand clutching the front of his shirt as his chest continues to  _ ache.  _ Lea’s mind turns in on itself, shrieking and howling, unable to stop searching for whatever it is he’s lost, and he all he can feel is  _ hurt  _ and  _ confusion  _ and  _ what what what who who when where why how what who- _

         Why is he crying again? What is he forgetting-

**_Agony._ **

 

         You feel your own eyes prick with tears as Lea  _ breaks  _ right in front of you. It’s like some sort of horrible cycle. He sobs for a few minutes, then looks confused and lost and tired, then he crumples and sobs again. His cries tear through him, entire torso jerking and shaking as he sobs and heaves. He’s clutching his shirt and his hair as if it’s the only thing holding him together.

         This feels incredibly familiar.

         How many times did you or one of your siblings break down in the middle of the kitchen? Unable to handle the sheer amount of grief that a loss brings? (You know it’s loss. You have enough pieces to know Lea has lost a lot.)

         You know what to do.

         Carefully, slowly, but making plenty of noise, you step out from behind your bar and, keeping your distance, circle into Lea’s line of sight. He looks  _ terrible.  _ His eyes are red and puffy, face streaked with tears that are  _ still  _ falling. He doesn’t seem to be able to see you whenever he opens his eyes. He keeps scrunching them closed, as if that’ll stop whatever’s torturing him.

         You bring your hands up into view, about hip height and fingers open, as you step forward slightly. Lea doesn’t notice. Okay. Okay. You slowly, carefully, kneel down. Once again, Lea doesn’t seem to notice. His eyes skid over you, like you’re not there. Like he’s seeing something, perhaps some _ body _ , else.

         Familiar territory.

         “Lea?” you call quietly. “Lea, you with me?”

         You don’t sense or observe any change with him, but that’s okay.

         “Lea,” you continue, keeping your voice and breathing even. “Lea, you’re at my pub, the Falling Star. It’s about, mmm, let’s say 1a.m. at night in Twilight Town, at present. You came by to return my glass pan to me. You said Merlin insisted you do so. It’s a Saturday night. Well, Sunday morning. I don’t open the pub later today, because hell yeah small business. You’re at my pub, the Falling Star. It’s about…”

         You continue speaking softly, telling him where he is, what time it is, why he was here. Lea doesn’t exactly calm down, but he does seem to slowly come back to himself. You keep your hands in view, making no sudden moves. Lea, breathing heavily and sniffing, eventually focuses on you.

         “Wh-what?” Lea rasps, voice thick with tears and snot. “What happened? I don’t…” His face twitches, like he’s going to crumple again.

         Feeling like you’re stepping off a ledge, you hesitantly open your arms. You have no idea if it’s appropriate or not, but your first instinct is to offer comfort. Lea looks at your arms, then at your face. You look squarely into his eyes, hoping to convey just how  _ sincere  _ you are. Lea’s face crumples and he falls forward, hiding his face in your shoulder. You squeeze his shoulders and he chokes, digging his fingers into your shirt. You ignore the wet patch spreading on your shirt as Lea trembles in your arms. 

         You don’t know how much time passes. At some point you start rocking back and forth, eyes closed. You’ve done this before. You remember holding Yuffie and Leon and Aerith through their own tears. Cold, unfamiliar floors that  _ weren’t home  _ and missing people and places lost and knowing that, somehow, you will never get them back. And you remember you, yourself, sobbing into Cid’s embrace. You remember being exhausted after.

         “C’mon, Lea,” you murmur, rubbing his back. “C’mon, let’s get you upstairs. Up we go.”

         You help Lea to his feet and, Lea leaning heavily against you and still heaving dry sobs, make your way upstairs. You murmur encouragements the entire way, doing your best to keep him grounded in the Now instead of whatever keeps dragging him down. You carefully get him to sit down with you on the couch, letting him cling to you even as his sobs slowly die down. Lea sways in place, clearly exhausted.

         “ ‘M sorry,” Lea mumbles, eyelids heavy. “Sorry.”

         “It’s okay, Lea,” you reassure him. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for, okay?”

         “Sorry,” Lea mumbles again, drooping in place. You carefully guide him down, laying him down on his back. He is  _ definitely  _ conked out, exhausted. You carefully get up from the couch, trying not to disturb him. You lift his legs onto the couch so he’s spread out. You tiptoe away to grab one of your blankets. You select your softest, squishiest blanket from your linen cabinet and carefully spread it over him. You set a bottle of water on the coffee table directly in front of his face, in case he wakes up and gets thirsty. He lost a lot of water in so short a time.

         You grab your own bottle of water from the fridge and head to bed.

         Later, you cry soundlessly into your pillow. You’ve always been a sympathy crier, and watching somebody you’re starting to consider a friend break down in the middle of your pub brings up your own past hurts. Your parents. Your cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and friends. Your favorite teachers. The store clerk who snuck you candy sometimes because you reminded them of their grandkids. The gardens in full bloom. The chuckling of fountains. Everything. Leon and your other siblings are doing their best to rebuild Radiant Garden, but you know in your heart it won’t be the same. And so you mourn, both for yourself and for Lea. 

         You chug some water before settling down to try to get some sleep.

 

         His head is pounding.

         That’s the first thing Lea is aware of as he slowly wakes up. It pulses behind his eyes, spreading through his sinuses and even down his throat. His eyes are crusty, too. He scrubs them clear and squints them open. The first thing he sees is a bottle of water. He blinks, sight blurry and unfocused. Feeling absolutely drained, he nonetheless manages to reach out and grab the bottle. He sits up, unscrewing the cap and taking a few desperate gulps.

         Then he notices the  _ smell. _

         “Good morning.”

         Lea looks up. Comet smiles at him, balancing a plate on each forearm and holding a cup of coffee in each hand.

         “Want some food?” they offer, probably rhetorically. “Hope you like home fries.”

         “Sure,” Lea rasps, throat rough. He gratefully accepts the coffee and the food. “Thanks.”

         “Not a problem,” Comet replies, sipping their coffee.

         They quietly eat together. Comet seems content to remain quiet, but Lea feels like he should say something. Like something big happened and they’re just mutually ignoring it. It’s eating at him. They finish their breakfast, still in silence.

         “I’m sorry,” Lea starts up before Comet can take his plate. “I’m sorry I-”

         “What are you apologizing for?” Comet interrupts, staring into his eyes.

         Lea pauses, taken aback.

         “I…” he licks his lips. “For… bothering you?”

         “Okay,” Comet says firmly, sitting back down across from him. “Okay, that won’t fly. Lea? You had an emotional meltdown in the middle of my pub and  _ no- _ ” they hold up a hand before he can interject “-that is  _ not  _ in  _ any way  _ an inconvenience or burden to me. Lea,” they look into his eyes. “Lea,  _ it’s okay that you’re not okay. _ ”

 

         “ _ It’s okay that you’re not okay. _ ”

         Lea looks gobsmacked. Has nobody told him this before? You reach out and grab his shoulder. You  _ need  _ him to understand this. It’s  _ important. _

         “You’re not okay, Lea,” you say, firmly. “You’re not okay, and that’s okay. You’re  _ hurting. _ ” You blink away your own tears. “You’re hurting, and that sucks, but you gotta  _ let  _ yourself be hurt. You won’t heal until you do! And you’ve got friends who are there to hold you up while you hurt.” You withdraw your hand, looking away, feeling shy. “You can always stop by here when you need a break, Lea. My doors are open to you.”

_          Oh god that was too open, Comet, goddamn,  _ you hiss at yourself.  _ Way to be eager, idiot! _

         Lea looks down at his hands, clenched in his lap. You wring your own fingers, nervous. You really want to be his friend, and you feel like he needs one, too.

         “I’d like that,” Lea croaks, thumbs rubbing over the back of his hands. “I’d like that a lot.”

         You smile at him, trying to keep your joy from bubbling out too much. You’re pretty sure you’ve made a friend! 

         “Pub’s not open today,” you begin, trying to keep your anxiety from coming through too much. “Do you wanna drink coffee and trash terrible movies?”

         Lea grins, a little watery but strong.

         “Sounds fun,” he says, genuine. “What’s first?”

**Author's Note:**

> Kingdom Hearts 3 was fantastic but I always crave more Lea angst, especially with my Main Child Xion. How long has this man pushed down his emotions, locked them away? Doesn't take much to trigger a breakdown, y'know, especially since he's relearning what Feelings are.
> 
> Also this was written before Have Courage. We're writing this series backwards. No, we're not gonna change that.


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